I answer all my own email. Seriously. Some people believe that I make this stuff up but I’m not that creative… ask my ex-boss at ASW. Here are some recent emails and the thoughtfully direct help I gave them:
Subject: Economic Viagra
I have been at my job for two years and was told that after the first three months I would get a raise. I haven’t yet. How do I ask my evil, coniving, money hungry office manager for my raise?
Before I can detail a plan of action, I must instruct you on a new vocabulary. First, you should know and understand the word victim because that is what you are. If you accepted the job over two years ago, and you’re just NOW trying to get a raise that was promised you when you first hitched up your pants for this company, there is another word you need to learn… that word is moron because that is also what you are.
Ok, that said, here’s what you should do. Tomorrow morning, shake your ass into your office manager’s cubicle and explain what you have conveyed here. Explain that you deserve the raise and detail the reasons why. Give him (or god forbid, her) a timeline in which to address your problem. If after that timeline vanishes like your self respect did two years ago and nothing has been done, I suggest you begin searching for a new job… a punching bag seems like an appropriate career choice for someone of your principles.
Subject: Promotion Help
my career is currently stalled out at script supervisior, and I would like to move it the next step to Executive Producer. Do you have any ass-kissing advice that I could use, that would help me transition through this, most difficult personal venture?
You problem is one of perspective. Your superiors have it and you, unfortunately, do not. The best course of action is to think like an executive. Take long lunches, berate underlings, waste time and blame others for your misdeeds. When you are confronted with your inexcusable behavior, lie, cheat and blame-shift. This should alleviate you of having to kiss any ass. Besides, no one likes a kiss-ass.
From: Wishing Washy
Subject: To clean or not to clean…
Person A uses a pan to cook something and leaves it dirty on the sink. Person B comes along and needs to use that same pan, cleans it out and cooks something, leaving it dirty on the sink. who is responsible for cleaning the pan now? and why?
Dear Wishy Washy
Consuelo the mexican maid thanks to affirmative action, NAFTA and your complete lack of intelligence.