The One Where I Give Advice

A few posts ago I mentioned I was going to start answering some reader mail. No joke. I’m gonna start an advice column called, “A Swift Kick in the Pants” Here are the first few…

From: mojo [xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com]
To: Monkey_Diarist [monkeydiarist@gmail.com]
Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 17:14:38 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: What the fuck do you know?

Hey Fucker,
MxxxxxY told me you give good advice. I’m not sure I believe her but here’s the thing: My girlfriend is getting really antsy about the whole bio-logical clock thing. How can I get her to ease up?

signed,
Yankee My Crankee

Dear Crankee Yankee,
The “bio-logical” clock is a myth. Really, what she is saying is that if she is going to have to deal with childish behavior, she’d rather it not be from you. I’m sure you’re familiar with the tactic employed by some men when they break up with a girl that goes like this: “Its not you… it’s me. There’s just some stuff I have to figure out and I need time.”

Sound familiar? Well, her statement about the biological clocks is kinda like that, only it isn’t her, it’s you. See, you’re a jackass and if you don’t step up, she’ll walk over you on her way to bigger, brighter and better things that don’t look at all like the image that stares back at you from the mirror every morning.

warmest regards.

From: [xxxxxx@hotmail.com]
To: E! [monkeydiarist@gmail.com]
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 15:05:11 +0900
Subject: Friends who Fornicate?

Hey Fucker,
This is a hypothetical… are there any girls you’re friends with that you find super attractive but have too much respect for to hook up with them, even if you’ve been given the opportunity?

signed Bimbo in Training

Dear Trained Bimbo,
Hypothetically speaking? No. Not that I don’t know a few hot broads, cause I do. Even if I wasn’t currently in a relationship, I still wouldn’t fish in my personal pond. There are rules any sensible manwhore like myself abides by… the first is NEVER LET YOUR LITTLE HEAD DO THE THINKING! Why ruin a perfectly functioning relationship for thirty or forty seconds of unbelievably hot & sweaty monkey sex?

You’ll just have to continue admiring me from afar, hypothetically speaking.

warmest regards.

From: xxxxxxx [mailto:xxxxx@pacbell.net]
Sent: Saturday, July 03, 2004 2:51 PM
To: monkeydiarist@gmail.com
Subject: LTR ASAP DYI?

Hey Fucker (is that really what you want to be called?)
I ended a long-term relationship about a year ago, have had a few crushes here and there and consistently fall in love with my friends. Most of the time they aren’t the right one for me and it never ends up going anywhere.

Slowly my male friends are meeting other women, who they fall for immediately, and i’m wondering, is this the way it works?

I’m desparately clinging to the idea of romance, that slow and steady wins the race, that maybe i’ll fall in love with someone. Am I the only one who still believes in romance?

signed Driving Onward Again

Dear DOA (is that really what YOU want to be called?),
What the fuck is up with all the acronyms? Romance is indeed dead… or would be if it wasn’t constantly being resuscitated by really stupid TV shows like Sex in the City. A man isn’t going to ride in on a white horse, sweep you off your feet and carry you into the sunset… ever. There are a variety of reasons why this is so, the least of which is that with as much baggage as you’re apparently carrying, any schlub who actually picks you up is risking a hernia. Stop watching TV, reading romance novels and listening to your buffalo-assed girlfriends and live life. Guys have a superior sense of smell… they can smell desparation like you wouldn’t believe. Ease up and I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for.

warmest regards.