how to be dead

I posted a comment on another blog recently and it drove a few people to visit me here. Now, I usually post comments using an email address that I created specifically for such instances. Not because I’m afraid of getting spam, but because the Internet never forgets. I still can google comments that I made on Usenet more than 10 years ago.

Anyway, I just received three emails from a few people calling me “asshole.” Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even bother. Heck, I’ve been called worse by much more interesting people… But I just had to respond publicly to one particular email.

To: The Poor Misguided Fool
RE: I Hate Assholes!

Message: While it is true that I am indeed an asshole, I have never pretended to be anything more or less. The fact that you were compelled to write me a private message detailing your contempt is actually quite flattering. Well, it would be flattering if I really gave a rat’s ass what you thought…

Well, the word “thought” is probably not the best choice to describe the firing (or misfiring) of synapses that prompted you to write me that poorly veiled come on. Thankfully you were able to restrain yourself before you did something that you would have regretted… like attaching a JPG of your Mandrill-like ass. While it is arguable that you would have come to your senses if you had taken the time to read anything on the blog that was linked to my name in that comment, I will err on the side of caution. I’m also pretty sure that you wouldn’t have hit SEND had you known what my response would be.

See there is an order to the universe. An order that can be used to illustrate exactly where on the scale of value you sit. Let’s start at the top and work down shall we?

At the top is my opinion. It has the highest value, since, well, let’s face it, I’m smarter than you.

Next come the people I care about. My GF, my family, and my good friends. In that order.

Next come the few bloggers with whom I have developed tenuous, but interesting friendships.

Next come the random people who I find interesting, even when they prove that they possess the IQ of sand.

After that come the lower life forms… viruses, plagues, people who call themselves healers.

Next come single-celled organisms.

Close on their heels (do they even have heels?) come assorted types of fecal matter.

(Don’t worry; we’re getting to you)

Next come various inanimate objects, like my chair, the door by our pool, and the Zippy’s sign in Kahalui.

After that come dust bunnies. I’ve always liked dust bunnies.

Next come clowns. I can’t stand clowns, but at least they’re better than the last position on the list. Which brings us to…

You.

You might wonder (again that might be a misguided attempt to define the misfiring of synapses that passes as your intelligence) why I would take the time to post this message to you. Well, the truth is that I made a promise to myself a few days ago. I will no longer allow morons to go through life bringing down the collective intelligence of humanity without at least attempting to throw a little light on the dark chasm of their stupidity.

By the way, you misspelled “offensive”… as you can see, there is more than one F in that particular word.

I’ll leave you with a word with a single F: Fuck… as in “fuck you, you heinous troll.”

Thanks for playing. Now paddle back to the shallow end before I really get angry.