harder to breathe

There are few things that can push me over the edge as quickly as indecision. I can accept it from children because they lack experience, but once you’ve been around the block a time or two all bets are off. Another thing I find annoying is standing in line, but standing in line is even more infuriating when you’re waiting for some fucktard to make a decision.

If I were some sort of god, I would spend a good deal of my free time striking down the idiots who get into a line without knowing what they want. Chances are the gods originally developed such things as Ebola and Anthrax not to decimate populations, but as an adequate punishment for indecisiveness. You can almost be assured that the first person struck with these diseases in a village was the asshole who consistently forced people to wait while he or she pulled their head out of their ass.

Spontaneous combustion isn’t a mystery to me. I often pray that the people in front of me at Starbucks or the local deli will burst into flames if they stand there, mouths agape, hemming and hawing for what seems like hours while I and two dozen people behind them wait for their brain to engage. How hard is it to look at a menu as you’re standing in line, weighing the pros and cons of various items, and then simply choosing one when you are called upon to do so? Hell, can’t decide on just one? Pick two, taste them both, and give the one you don’t want away to a homeless person. While showing compassion to the homeless is something I’m against, I’m against people wasting my time even more.

I guess my real issue is the lack of consideration for others indecision exhibits. In my experience, most people who suffer from indecision are really self-involved cocksuckers who are unaware that the world does not revolve around their schedule. If there isn’t anyone behind you or waiting on you to make a decision, then it isn’t a big deal. When you make people wait because you can’t handle a basic human process, you push the boundaries of acceptable behavior. My contempt for people who are unable to make simple decisions cannot adequately be expressed here in simple words, but I’ll try. YOU ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE. To borrow a phrase from one of my friends who grew up in Alabama, “Your daddy should have beat you off into the weeds!” On a sidenote, I’m unsure if this means that your father should have shot the semen used to create you into the weeds or if in fact, as I would hope, your father should beat you to the ground with heavy blows in some abandoned lot overgrown with weeds. Either way would work fine in my opinion.

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where the choices were so complex that I couldn’t make a suitably acceptable decision effortlessly and quickly. Unfortunately, I have had the misfortune of being involved with several people who couldn’t make a decision without a divine intervention or at the minimum an abbaccus. In one case it got so bad that I refused to go out to eat dinner without having her consider the menu days in advance. I’d die of starvation before a decision could be made if I waited until actually being seated at the table to present her dinner options.

I have some advice for anyone who has trouble making a decision. When presented by a choice in which your life isn’t immediately threatened by the outcome, flip a fucking coin. You’re just as likely to make a good decision using this technique, as you are a bad one.